Testing Testing 123

Week 14.

We need to decide whether or not to participate in all the genetic testing shenanigi (that's extra plural for shenanigans).

The Captain and I figured we are going to have the kid regardless of the results and the tests aren't conclusive enough to be comforting or even that informative (I don't consider a 67% average very good. That's a D+.) The tests come with a warning regarding the prevalence of false positives and false negatives. I am a healthy person who is not in any of the risk groups. I'm having this kid regardless, what good will the tests do?

I was going to list and define some of the heartbreaking disorders these tests attempt to detect, but it's energy spent on something scary and sad and really what is the point. Much like the tests. What is the point? We'll meet with the Doctor on Wednesday and discuss it one last time. If anyone has any helpful insight. It would be much appreciated.

Suffice to say that part of being pregnant today is reminding oneself that despite what sometimes feels like all evidence to the contrary, literally hundreds of millions of healthy human beings have been born without incident over hundreds of thousands of years in much more adverse situations and conditions. If, for whatever reason, my baby isn't one of those, I can handle it.

Moving on to something more lighthearted. The second trimester has officially begun. This is exciting for a number of reasons. We've had two very strong heartbeat readings and the last ultrasound showed a great looking baby and some serious limb action. We've got two, count 'em two, long legs, two arms waving about (if the kid isn't a mad gesturer I'll be very surprised, given his/her genes), and a gigantic head. (I say that's The Captain's fault, the technician says it's 'normal fetal development', we'll see who's right in the end.)

Another reason for Happy Joy Dance: once the second trimester begins, the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically. Woo!

I'm beginning to show a little. Actually, technically, my guts are just being smooshed up and out by my growing uterus. So the baby isn't technically what's showing, what are showing are my bulging intestines ('awwww cute, what are you going to name them?')

Speaking of names, it is a lot harder to come up with names than I thought it would be. A LOT.
I had a name I really liked for a boy, then I met a boy with that name. He was annoying and his parents were unbearable. That name's done. We've had an easier time picking a list of girl names we love than boy names. And it is here that I would like to log for future reference that The Captain believes it to be a girl. He wants EVERYONE to know, that he thinks it's a girl. And that's why we're having an easier time with girl's names. I vacillate. Totally thought it was a boy in the beginning, then one day I was SURE it was girl, now I feel like it's a boy again...

We will find out for sure at the end of February.

Pregnancy is bizarre. It seems to work outside of time, to move quickly and slowly. I can't believe I'm already in my second trimester and I can't wait for this next six months to draaaaag by.

Til Next Time, have wonderful days. We'll talk soon.

ps I can't wait to watch Winnie the Pooh with this kid.

I Don't Want to Punch A Gift Horse in the Face

I know I'm really fortunate that I didn't spend most of the the last three months hunched over a toilet, but does this stupid study by some stupid Canadians mean that since I only actually threw up twice I'm going to give birth to Forrest Gump? <\hormonal rant>

Alright, I apologize to Canadians. You're not stupid... Except for this guy



Okay, he's really just annoying.









I hate this article...

I'm what?! ....With a what?!

A baby. I am pregnant with a baby. A new human is currently residing in my uterus, growing limbs and organs and fingernails, becoming a person. I've heard its heartbeat. I've felt the heartburn.

 
When I told my dad his response was priceless. ' A human baby?! That's outrageous! This is awesome!'

Yes, a real human baby. And it IS outrageous. This whole process, it's amazing and bizarre and outrageous and miraculous.

My husband, who shall heretofore be referred to as The Captain, and I were planning on setting forth on this grand adventure right about now instead of three months ago but apparently I needed to have a Leo instead of a Virgo or (heaven forfend!) another Scorpio like me.

To begin at the beginning.

I belong to a site called PMSBuddy.com. This site allows you to input your 'cycle' information and the email addresses of family and friends that should be warned of the impending crisis and every month issues a warning email a few days in advance. I had programmed one of the warnings to come to me so I would also be reminded that I would soon start acting like a loon and why.

The reminder came and went and a couple of days later it occurred to me suddenly that NOTHING had happened.  I searched frantically through my past emails to confirm the date of the most recent one from PMSBuddy.com... Uh oh. 

Right when I got home I took a pregnancy test, one lone test left in the box from a previous suspicion a few months earlier. A faaaaint pink line materialized almost immediately, so faint... so faint. I showed The Captain and we both said 

'Nah. can't be. that line is baaarely there'.

That night, I fell asleep fairly early, but my eyes popped open around midnight and a sudden inescapable logic was waiting for me, perched at the foot of my bed, watching me sleep peacefully and smirking. (I imagine Logic looking like a wizened Hogwarts house elf....)

"That test is designed to detect levels of pregnancy hormone.” it said. “If there is no kid, there should be no hormone and no line. There cannot 'partially' be a kid. The test does not determine whether there is a faint possibility there is a baby on the way. It just detects the presence of that hormone. As the saying goes, you cannot be ‘a little pregnant’. If that line is remotely visible, that hormone is there.” As I lay there staring up through the dark, pulling a pillow over my face to avoid the eyes of the unassailable Logic, I had the first inkling that maybe…

The next day after work I bought another package of tests....and took all three... Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Not ‘kind of' pregnant, not faintly pregnant, but 'glaringly bright fuschia line with arrows pointing at it' Pregnant.

This time when I showed The Captain we both just laughed, somewhat hysterically, but ultimately happily, and then sat together quietly in a daze, contemplating the future...

That was in November.

I’ve had a relatively easy first trimester. After hearing many horror stories of incapacitating ‘morning sickness’ accompanied by serious and myriad physical discomforts, I realize how fortunate I have been. Although I will tell you, ‘Morning Sickness’ is a bullshit term anyway and I want to know who the hell came up with it. Try ‘All Damn Day Long’ sickness. Brutal waves of nausea that crash over you at any time of the day (see: during client meetings , driving home from work, in the middle of dinner) nausea so bad you wish you could puke but all you can do is sit there sweating and wait for it to pass munching dejectedly on saltines, hoping you don't retch in public. I’ve only thrown up a couple of times. But I’ve run to the nearest loo and prayed to throw up too many times to count. Merely retching just isn’t as satisfying.  

All-Day-Long-Sickness Pro Tip:  Jolly Ranchers were recommended by a friend of a friend. They worked. Seriously.

The nausea was actually not nearly as bad as the exhaustion. I was really. freaking. tired. I would fall asleep sometime between 8:30 and 9:00pm every night. And when I say 'fell asleep' I mean 'passed the fark out'. I would doze off if I sat still for too long in any one place. I pulled this particular number at Christmas Eve Dinner at my mom’s house and made the mistake of sitting down on her uber comfy fluff of a couch when I arrived. That was it. Two hours later they woke me to eat….

I'm also suffering from Baby Brain or Momnesia (it’s Science). I’ve left ball point pens in the freezer, called people and instantly forgotten why, walked into a room and out of it three times before I recalled what the purpose of going in there was in the first place. I've also, true story, gotten into a shower with underpants on.

Speaking of clothes, my pants and tops aren’t fitting. This started fairly early on top and has recently caught up on the bottom. Right before the holiday I was standing in a hallway of our office talking to one of our clients, when suddenly I felt a draft. The top button of my blouse, no longer able to take the strain, had given up and popped open. Awesome.

Another pregnancy Pro Tip: The interwebs are a dangerous place to entangle yourself when you’re pregnant. There is too much information out there and once you have it, it cannot be un-had. Be careful how deeply you delve and on which resources you rely. If I could have stopped myself from researching every damn thing floating around the web I would have, but now I’ve read about all manner of dreadful (if not actually dangerous or realistic ) things to be afraid of. It can be a little overwhelming. The Captain has to talk me down regularly.....

So, this particular post was longer than I anticipate future posts being. But I’ve had to catch you up.

And there you are… all caught up. As an aside, if you must know, I miss the Dirty Martinis most of all. That beautiful cold v-shaped glass, the beads of condensation gathering on its sides, those round, plump green olives... I will have sushi and a dirty martini in a corner of the birthing room as my focal points... that'll work. Right?