Thursday, April 22, 2010

Let the third trimester.... COMMENCE

I can't believe I'm already in the third trimester.

Updates:  Most importantly, I do NOT have the

which is awesome news. I failed my first screening, but passed the awful 4 hour test easily.  I don't know how or why. That whole testing process seems like a lot of hooey to me. But I can continue to berate myself for horking down jelly donuts regularly. Which is great.

Testing bonus: They couldn't get my left arm to give any blood so all FIVE draws came from my right. I look like someone has been handling me very roughly and cannot currently wear short sleeves out of the house...

Kick counts: I was given a Kick Count Chart at my last OB visit. This chart is hilarious to me because the way it is formatted. I'm supposed to log how many hours it takes to feel ten kicks, rolls, right hooks, left hooks, pretty much any movement, and I'm supposed to do this during her active time (apparently there's a specific and isolated time during which babies are usually more active...someone should let my kid know this). 

After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing so hard I decided 'what the hell, this should be fun'.  This is a sample of a few days of kick counting. That first duration, that's not 1 hr and 26 min. That's right it's 1min and 26 seconds. And that's the longest it's taken for me to feel ten kicks.

Apr 17, 2010 9:21 AM:
Duration = 0:01:26
Kicks = 10

Apr 18, 2010 8:33 AM:
Duration = 0:00:52
Kicks = 10

Apr 19, 2010 8:31 AM:
Duration = 0:00:25
Kicks = 10

Apr 20, 2010 2:11 PM:
Duration = 0:00:28
Kicks = 10

I'm not counting the teeny little nudges either. Just the ones that are so hard they are visible...from the outside 'An active baby means a healthy baby' my OB says in this chipper sing-song voice. An active baby means a sleepy mommy is what I say. I have to wake up to pee about three times a night and when I do, she's up... and havin a hoe-down, even implementing some new moves, specifically one I call the Travolta or The Feevah

Her position is breech, which is totally fine at this stage in the pregnancy, but that's how I know she's partying in there like it's 1977 with that finger pointing up and a leg pointing down. Other Hoe-Down moves feel a lot like Jed Clampett dancing around the spouting oil font in the opening credits of the Beverly Hillbillies, riiiiight on my bladder. awesome.

Dreams: They're getting a lot weirder. That is all you need to know.

Snoogle: Oh blessed Snoogle, you look like a tapeworm but you feel like you're made of Awesome at an Awesome Factory.

My sister-in-law gave me this and it has really helped with my sciatica (sciatica, scientifically defined is a 'OH HOLY CRAP!!!  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! stabbing kind of pain on the right side of my lower back, in a somewhat center of the butt cheek kind of a location...if you want to get technical about it.)  The snoogle has been amazing in relieving this pain and has really improved the quality of sleep I get when I actually get it. So big props and thank yous to Julie.

Injustices I've Suffered: My OB reprimanded me for gaining 6 lbs last month, putting me at a grand total of 11 lbs gained two-thirds of the way through the pregnancy. I'm supposed to gain somewhere between 25-35 lbs by the end. She is outrageous... I am OUTraged  ;)


There she is, at our last ultrasound visit on the 20th. She looks all grumpy, like the diabeetus cat...



Friday, April 16, 2010

Why is that stupid 'R' backward anyway?

Babies R Us. The Baby SUUUUPERStore

How could such a cute logo represent so much evil? Deception R Us, more like.

I couldn't decide which of the nine rings of hell described in The Inferno I could most accurately compare this retail establishment. I can only express the most sincere gratitude to my mother and sister for getting me through the experience of registering for baby stuff.

Let me first say that walking around for two and half hours anywhere at six months pregnant is no picnic. Walking around for two and half hours amidst a bewildering array of mysterious items and being asked to choose the most appropriate, safe, cost-efficient and high-quality products that you will actually need? That is about as fun as cleaning out rain gutters after a long winter that are filled with decomposing leaves and dead birds...

'What's your theme?' my sister asked as we got started. My theme?! My theme is, uuuh, something not pink, or cat-related, or dog related for that matter.

My theme is uuuuuuh, not jungle animals or bunnies, I don't find the frogs totally aesthetically offensive.

Okay so you didn't ask 'What isn't your theme', but I haven't even pondered a 'theme'. I don't plan on this kid having a separate room from me until she moves out of the house so it's not really an issue. The theme is 'sleeping in mom's room my whole life has made me socially awkward so I don't date'. That's my theme.

I kid. And digress

After looking at about 9 or 10 things in the bedding section, I started to feel pretty overwhelmed and, admittedly got a little teary. I'm used to handling my shit. I'm not bragging, lord knows I have quite enough flaws to be getting on with. But in general I don't get flustered or frazzled easily. But, I tell you, I had no idea what I was doing in there, no idea what I needed, what the baby needed, which items were the best for all of those needs. I have never felt so grossly unqualified to be doing something in my ENTIRE life. And this involves the care of a BABY. It felt like a  most daunting kind of metaphor. The kind that brings your awareness of your own insufficiency to a nauseating, sweaty height.

If I hadn't had my mama and sister there, I probably would have waddled frantically and rapidly toward the door at that point. And that's when my sister took over, commandeering the little scanning gun and marching around the store like a drill sergeant. They asked me questions and gave me insight and advice on nearly 100 baby-related items on the Babies R Us Suggestion List which I just absolutely had to have in order to properly care for my baby (such bullshit) as I trudged behind them, glassy-eyed and dazed, sometimes mumbling incoherently, sometimes just standing there with my mouth hanging open like the village idiot.

I could really only comment on patterns and styles that I liked. When it came to utilitarian items, I had to leave it up to them.

We ended the experience with the clothing. I know I've been told by many people not to get any clothes because she will get TONS of clothes as hand-me-downs and gifts. But if we hadn't finished up with that relatively fun part, I would have left feeling totally emotionally and physically wasted. There is some seriously hilarious shit to clothe your baby in. My favorite was the little top with the crocheted neck line, trippy seventies star pattern and rainbow striped tights. I like to call this ensemble My Little Acid Trip 0-3 months, for when you want to dress your child like a crazy homeless person...

In other not-so-awesome news, my glucose screening came back with my glucose levels elevated by a couple of points. So now I have to go back for that dreaded four-hour test on Monday. I love how everyone at my OB's office keeps telling me 'You most likely don't have it. More than 3/4 of the women who fail the first test pass the second'... But hey, why don't you worry about it for a couple of days. Then we'll starve you for 14 hours and force a half gallon of glucose down your throat and draw your blood four times. It'll be great...

This is not designed to make me happy.

Next OB appointment, Tuesday the 20th which means MOOOOORE PICS... I love those stinkin appointments. I like being able to see this kid I spend so much QT with.

Have a great weekend,



Friday, April 9, 2010

Look out! This rant is liable to take a head off...

I'm sitting here with powdered sugar all down my front (including my large belly) licking the jelly out of the center of a jelly-filled (powdered) doughnut wondering what the hell has happened to me.

I feel gross today.  I'd been doing a really good job of moving my butt nearly every day, but since the almost back to back stomach flu and sinus infection/head cold I haven't exercised nearly as much. So so why am I eating this jelly donut?!  WHY?!  I don't really even WANT the jelly filled doughnut. But it's there, sooooo... you know....

WHO IS THIS PERSON!? And will she go away once I have the baby?? I can't wait until I'm getting all my sugars and carbohydrates from healthy things like beer and wine again...

A woman in my office came by my desk this morning to 'commiserate' and tell me she is fighting a STOMACH FLU and has already thrown up twice today. *$@(#**#)(*#.   Listen lady, I don't need to be a hero, I don't come in the office if I'm contagious and/or BARFING. Get your carrier-monkey butt out of here because if I catch the stomach flu again I will have my revenge and it will involve forced repeated viewings of Xanadu and sleep deprivation.

She also mentioned this is the second time she's had it in three weeks. Well gee, I wonder where I caught my farking stomach flu THREE WEEKS AGO! :fistshake: Why don't you just come over here and lick all of my office supplies individually and don't forget my keyboard and phone. I'm hoping this will help in my Justifiable Homicide defense when I kill you.

Note: I'm not going to kill anyone, but I feel a lot better having threatened to kill someone. Does that make me a bad person? Please don't judge...

I'm really glad it's Friday.