Friday, April 16, 2010
Why is that stupid 'R' backward anyway?
Babies R Us. The Baby SUUUUPERStore
How could such a cute logo represent so much evil? Deception R Us, more like.
I couldn't decide which of the nine rings of hell described in The Inferno I could most accurately compare this retail establishment. I can only express the most sincere gratitude to my mother and sister for getting me through the experience of registering for baby stuff.
Let me first say that walking around for two and half hours anywhere at six months pregnant is no picnic. Walking around for two and half hours amidst a bewildering array of mysterious items and being asked to choose the most appropriate, safe, cost-efficient and high-quality products that you will actually need? That is about as fun as cleaning out rain gutters after a long winter that are filled with decomposing leaves and dead birds...
'What's your theme?' my sister asked as we got started. My theme?! My theme is, uuuh, something not pink, or cat-related, or dog related for that matter.
My theme is uuuuuuh, not jungle animals or bunnies, I don't find the frogs totally aesthetically offensive.
Okay so you didn't ask 'What isn't your theme', but I haven't even pondered a 'theme'. I don't plan on this kid having a separate room from me until she moves out of the house so it's not really an issue. The theme is 'sleeping in mom's room my whole life has made me socially awkward so I don't date'. That's my theme.
I kid. And digress
After looking at about 9 or 10 things in the bedding section, I started to feel pretty overwhelmed and, admittedly got a little teary. I'm used to handling my shit. I'm not bragging, lord knows I have quite enough flaws to be getting on with. But in general I don't get flustered or frazzled easily. But, I tell you, I had no idea what I was doing in there, no idea what I needed, what the baby needed, which items were the best for all of those needs. I have never felt so grossly unqualified to be doing something in my ENTIRE life. And this involves the care of a BABY. It felt like a most daunting kind of metaphor. The kind that brings your awareness of your own insufficiency to a nauseating, sweaty height.
If I hadn't had my mama and sister there, I probably would have waddled frantically and rapidly toward the door at that point. And that's when my sister took over, commandeering the little scanning gun and marching around the store like a drill sergeant. They asked me questions and gave me insight and advice on nearly 100 baby-related items on the Babies R Us Suggestion List which I just absolutely had to have in order to properly care for my baby (such bullshit) as I trudged behind them, glassy-eyed and dazed, sometimes mumbling incoherently, sometimes just standing there with my mouth hanging open like the village idiot.
I could really only comment on patterns and styles that I liked. When it came to utilitarian items, I had to leave it up to them.
We ended the experience with the clothing. I know I've been told by many people not to get any clothes because she will get TONS of clothes as hand-me-downs and gifts. But if we hadn't finished up with that relatively fun part, I would have left feeling totally emotionally and physically wasted. There is some seriously hilarious shit to clothe your baby in. My favorite was the little top with the crocheted neck line, trippy seventies star pattern and rainbow striped tights. I like to call this ensemble My Little Acid Trip 0-3 months, for when you want to dress your child like a crazy homeless person...
In other not-so-awesome news, my glucose screening came back with my glucose levels elevated by a couple of points. So now I have to go back for that dreaded four-hour test on Monday. I love how everyone at my OB's office keeps telling me 'You most likely don't have it. More than 3/4 of the women who fail the first test pass the second'... But hey, why don't you worry about it for a couple of days. Then we'll starve you for 14 hours and force a half gallon of glucose down your throat and draw your blood four times. It'll be great...
This is not designed to make me happy.
Next OB appointment, Tuesday the 20th which means MOOOOORE PICS... I love those stinkin appointments. I like being able to see this kid I spend so much QT with.
Have a great weekend,